i always start this way.

My Gran died 8 days ago, and I've missed her every second since she has been gone. I thought I wouldn't be this upset when she died because she has been sick for so long. I was so wrong. I've learned a lot about myself since this has happened, and I feel like my outlook on life has changed. Every hour on this earth is precious. I was planning to see her in the morning last week, but she died 12 hours before I was going to be there. I didn't get to see her again.

Don't waste your life with regrets and mistakes. Live for today, and do what makes your happy. Know that everything is going to be okay. Say whatever you need to say because you don't know if you have tomorrow. I'm so thankful to have the people in my life that I have now, they've helped me through so much lately. I don't know where I would be without all of them.

catching up.

I've been neglecting my 30 Days.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

I don't think this needs an explanation.

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

I can't remember anything so most days my planner saves my life. My cellphone, so superficial, I know but being in a long distance relationship means talking on the phone.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

She is so beautiful and I would LOVE to be married to Ellen for a day. : )

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

I will never forget last summer. Everything about it impacted my life so much. I found out who I really was, and what I want. It was the best experience of my life.

Day 04- A picture of something you would like to do again.

Operation Purple. My Dad left this week of camp and even though these girls will never know it, they helped me the most that week.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

NCIS

memories.

I don't want them anymore. Someone please take them, all of them. Get them the fuck out of my head, please. I'm begging someone to please make them go away.

simple.

It's time. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of questioning everything. I think sometimes I expect too much, or maybe not enough. Where do you stop? Where do you draw the line? When is it time to say enough is enough? Is it worth it when you know what the answer will be? Should it matter? Is it time for me to hold the cards? I wish I had the answers to these questions. Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. Sometimes I think if we were just together then everything would work itself out, but what I think doesn't seem to matter-- not to say that's a bad thing necessarily, it takes two to tango, I guess. It doesn't matter what you want if the other person doesn't want the same thing. It's so confusing. I wish someone could just give me the answers, tell me what to do, or tell me where to go from here.

Do you trust your head or your heart? Which one is the right one? It's not always the same feeling. Can you ever forget something like this? Will I ever be able to move on, stop crying, and get it together? Memories overwhelm me and the tears start falling. Most of the time I'm not upset. I'm remembering all the good times. As I'm sitting there looking at her I remember the jokes we had, the love we made, and the promises we made. How can someone just throw all of that away?

The changing emotions is killing me. The weird limbo is confusing. I think she just wants the best of both worlds. I'm still in her life, but I can't get mad or care about what she wants to do. If she's with someone else I can't care because "we're not together". Bullshit. If you want to be with me, you want to be with me.. It's that simple.

day two.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Brooke has been the closest friend I've ever had. Being an Army Brat made it hard to keep friends. I've been close with Brooke for years now. Even though our lives are as different as two lives can get, I know she's still there to me. She the kind of friend that will tell me the cold, hard truth.. not just what I want to hear. I think that's what I like most about her. We're so different, but exactly the same person. It's weird, I know.

sober.

I've often wondered why people turn to alcohol when their lives don't go as planned. When I came to college I slowly learned being drunk makes you numb to the world. Not having feelings is an amazing feeling, but it's also an art work. You have to be at the right stage of drunkenness. If you have to much or too little it gets dramatic. No one wants to be the drunk girl crying in the bathroom. One must be in that weird limbo where your emotions just shut down. When you're at that point everything in the world just feels okay. It's a weird sort of happiness because you're not feeling sorrow. No regrets or mistakes, just numbness. Nothing. This time I'm doing it sober, maybe.

I still think we could
`cause you and me, we`re good
And I`ll tell you why this hurts, 'cause I`m sober
But I just wanna be drunk
so I can forget about you
and all the stupid things that love has pulled me through
Even when I've had too much,
I still feel your touch
Maybe this just means that I`m not drunk enough

30 Days

I've decided to do 30 Days here. I feel like I can be more honest.

Day One: A picture of yourself and 20 facts.

1. I like cuddling in blankets when it's cold.

2. I'm extremely impulsive.

3. My anxiety always gets the best of me.

4. I can't have a functional relationship.

5. I don't trust anyone.

6. I wish I could work at camp forever or just be Lauren Powers mom. I'd be okay with that.

7. I can't eat sweets or brush my teeth with minty toothpaste.

8. I envy my little sister and all the opportunities she has that I never did.

9. I wear sweatpants everyday.

10. Sometimes I don't brush my hair because it's something I have control over.

11. I'm addicted to sleeping pills. I can't sleep anymore without taking one.

12. I don't know how to handle my emotions.

13. I'm scared to go to sleep sometimes because I think I'm not going to wake up in the morning.

14. My Gran hasn't died yet, but to me she has.

15. I didn't realize how close I was to my Father until he was gone. Sometimes he's the only person I want to talk to and I can't pick up the phone and know he'll tell me what I need to hear to make everything okay.

16. Lyrics explain my life more than I can. I can never find the right words to say.

Did you call to say you've found someone and I'm a used- to- be.
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
If you've moved on why does it feel like I'm losing you again?
Can't you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I'm content? That I'm on the fence? That I wish you would've stayed?
Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?

17. I want to have a baby, but I don't want to get married.

18. I hate Sweet Briar and I can't wait to be done. I love waking up to a beautiful campus, but so many horrible things have happened to me while I've been here.. lost friendships, lost family members, and romantic relationships that have crashed and burned. I know that's life, but this place is a constant reminder of the bad things that have happened in my life. I don't know why I can't just think of the good times I've had. I think the bad times were just so bad that I've been blinded by them.

19. The week before and after 2/14 is cursed. That's when shit always hits the fan.. every time.

20. Most days I don't feel pretty or loved.

silence.

Silence is the hardest part. Whenever something funny happens I want to tell her, but I can't, not anymore. I know I'll be okay though. Hopefully this feeling will past. I've lost so many people in my life lately. It's just a constant pain that never lets up. The stabbing pounding in my heart is a constant reminder that her love for me is gone. I didn't think it was possible for a heart to break so many times, but it keeps shattering a little more everyday. I don't expect everything to be perfect. I just want things to be okay. Is that too much to ask for?

"It comes in waves. There’s a lull and then another wave hits you. I just wanted you to know that it’s okay not to be fine sometimes."

"I feel like a weight has been lifted." Crack. "Sometimes feelings change." Crack. "Love isn't always enough." I didn't think it was possible for words to physically hurt me. It's not possible to put in words the pain I feel when words hit me. It's the same with memories. They've been coming on strong lately. I can't wait for this pain to pass. I'm ready to be ready to move on.

Tomorrow is another day. I will plaster a smile on my face, grit my teeth, and pretend everything is okay. Eventually the smile will come naturally, my jaw will loosen, and I won't have to pretend. Only I will know when I stop pretending and that's the way it should be. Everyday I get a little bit stronger.